Re: FN-FORUM Just for a laugh
date posted 29th August 2000 22:51
Along the same line as "IF ARCHITECTS HAD TO WORK LIKE WEB PROGRAMMERS",
here's an e-mail I was sent a short while ago for dealing with banks.....
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which I
admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, for debiting my account with £50
by way of penalty, and for the way this incident has caused me to re-think
my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as
my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have
noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh
and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for
Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the
Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debits, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an
extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me;
2. To query a missing repayment;
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension of
living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping; extension
of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to a call of
nature; extension of toilet to
be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a
refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver that the
miners sweated for!"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off
by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter
of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per
A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 pence a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Andrew Wilson" [EMAIL REMOVED]
To: [EMAIL REMOVED]
Sent: Tuesday, August 29, 2000 9:59 PM
Subject: RE: FN-FORUM Just for a laugh
> this was just too good to bin! I have so many clients that have given a
> brief just like this!
>
> Andrew
> -------------------------
> ANDREW WILSON PRODUCTIONS
> South Lanarkshire, Scotland
> tel: 01899 220 300 mobile: 077 85 248 554
> visit our website at www.awp.co.uk
